


just the two of us

by SuperLemonSealaa



Series: Trashmouth and Beaverly's Misadventures [1]
Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Alvin Marsh is His Own Warning, Ben Hanscom Loves Beverly Marsh, Beverly Marsh & Richie Tozier Are Best Friends, Beverly Marsh Knows Everything, Beverly Marsh Loves Ben Hanscom, Beverly sees the deadlights, Deadlights, F/M, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Gen, M/M, Mentioned Alvin Marsh, Mentioned Sonia Kaspbrak, Pennywise (IT) Exists, Post-Pennywise (IT), Richie Tozier Has a Sister, Slow Burn, Time Skips, kinda slow burn, lmao rip the losers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-24
Updated: 2020-04-24
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:54:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23342038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SuperLemonSealaa/pseuds/SuperLemonSealaa
Summary: Beverly Marsh was only a kid when she was taken into the deadlights, seeing many futures she could undergo. She witnesses a back to back future that is worse than any nightmare she dared to dream.
Relationships: Ben Hanscom/Beverly Marsh, Beverly Marsh & Richie Tozier, Bill Denbrough/Beverly Marsh (Onesided), Bill Denbrough/Stanley Uris, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier, Mike/love and happiness, Pennywise (IT)/death
Series: Trashmouth and Beaverly's Misadventures [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1730689
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6





	just the two of us

**Author's Note:**

> Before I start, we will be seeing one flashback and one flashback only (for my sake) so when it cuts off, you'll see if it's continuing off the last part. However, just in case, I added dates before each chapter because it's important to show the "deadlights" Bev (older Bev living in the mid-90's) and present Bev (younger Bev living in late 80s - early 90s). Hope it doesn't get too confusing lol This is one of my first IT one shot so I am still working on it.

_**August 1989** _

Beverly never spoke of the deadlights. The only topic she kept from The Losers’ Club, other than her house issues. But she could remember how

_(You’ll float too!)_

she floated. Her body aimlessly, almost elegantly mixed with mortification, rose in the air.

But tonight, tonight wasn’t a nightmare. Rather a devastation. Time was a curse that was given to her and now she must pay for this punishment. She saw it, afterall, only she did.

Beverly brushes her locks of hair behind her ears, clutching her knees to her chest. She breathes heavily, rocking herself back and forth upon her bed. The air was thick and the sky was heavy, almost like the room was closing in on her. A soft whisper escapes her lips.

"R-Richie.." She feels like vomiting but the fluids in her body would not be able to excel the muck within her mind. Another dream, she once thought. Heh. Dream turned to 2 and then 3 and then it reached an abnormal number she was unable to comprehend. A new thought appears in her head, this sends chills down her spine. Father. Father must not hear of this, no one can. This shall forever be trapped in her skull, maybe drawn on for the rest of her life. If he hears, if anyone hears of this, they will try to banish him to some shithole place where she will never see her friends. They will think she's insane, maybe try to convict of a crime or something. Years in the dark, who knows. This could just be her fear rising, but she doesn't want to lose them. She doesn't want to lose B-

"Ric-" She felt her face burn, but not due to embarrassment of seeing her best friend in a horrific scene, rather she was angry. Angry she saw that, his body mangle and torn. He lost the glow in the reflection of his glasses, his face was discolored. Why did she dream of this? She never wanted to see this! Never would she dream of this. This summer changed her. Summer was meant to be fun. She couldn't think of time it was fun. She met her friends, yeah, from an unfortunate circumstance. Otherwise, the life she had lived was one filled with fear. Maybe even more terror than anything else.

She whimpers. Still unable to get those images out of her mind. Depictions of her friends, crudely forming within her mind. She was careful to not wake her aunt, silently begging herself to keep her mind on the ground. Quietly a thought happened to sceep into her mind.

_(are you still)_

Her body shook, now she was covering

_(my little girl bevvie)_

her ears, almost as if these

_(tell me)_

thoughts would go away by simply covering her

**_(TELL ME TELL ME TELL M)_ **

"No!" She screamed, her eyes filled with newly formed tears. Had the room gotten smaller since then? Her mind was spinning with wrecked things before, but now it was spinning with something worse. Before she was able to hyper analyze her thoughts, it was interrupted by a soft knock on her door.

"Yes?" She replied to the noise in her lowest voice. Screaming in the middle of the night wasn't a good look on her.

_(not very ladylike dear bev)_

"Honey?" Her aunt's voice felt like honey against Beverly's harsh nasal shirll, mostly it was like that to her though and it kept her mind at ease for just a moment. Her aunt continued, "Is everything alright?"

Bev didn't know how to answer at all. How could this explain this? Her aunt would take her to some hospital and lock her up forever. Her aunt doesn't deserve another nuance, she already has to care for one. Bev sighed, is she a bother upon her family? Why must

_(why must you hide it)_

she be granted so much love? Maybe if she wasn't given this attention, her thoughts would simply go away. But that's foolish, right? Bev had always felt quite foolish most days. She wasn't Stan. Stan could see things and understand it in moments. That's his power, in Bev's mind, the power to balance logic and emotions. Stan doesn't understand the deadlights, however he was traumatized the most out of all of them. He would help her. He would be happy to oblige. Then again, maybe he would force her to repress those thoughts. That's what he's been doing. He might help her in a way that doesn't help him. By trapping it in her mind.

_(why must you hide it there?)_

Bev closed her eyes, counted to three _(was it five?)_ , and took another breath.

"Yeah, thought I saw a spider."

———

_**July 1989** _

Beverly remembered the pain in Richie’s eyes when IT took him. The boy he had loved dearly. She wished she could wrap him up in a warm hug but she knew he wouldn’t care for it. Nothing in this world would change the way he feels. It took them everything, all of the pain and fear bubbled up inside of them, only for it to flood down on them like a head wound. Beverly felt nothing but her warm teardrops forming on her golden lashes trickle down her freckled cheek. She turned to look at Richie, hoping his reaction was similar. Instead of water work-like sensations, he was frozen. Not cold frozen, like as if he was caught in the headlights type frozen. His brain just.. stopped. Which was scary actually, Richie never just..stopped.. like this at least. Who could blame him.

**_The boy he loved had died._ **

Stillness filled the air until one of them spoke, "Did you ever tell him, Rich?” She had asked in a blur, shakily. She knew of Richie's feelings since day one. He was never subtle since subtly wasn't Richie's forefront. But, somehow, no one but Bev caught on. Beverly was taught to read body language, that's how she learned how to survive. Without this skill, she was better killed than anything else. She noticed tiny antics, including ones that were between him and Eddie. He would always go red when Eddie laughed at his ridiculous jokes or smile when he pushed him away when he used the nickname "Eds". She felt this way for Ben. Bill felt this way to her.

The world was dark, although they won it had felt like they failed. Richie, between the two of them, felt like he lost more but Bev couldn't explain it.

“I bet he already knew.” Richie replied, solemnly.

“Had you told him?” Richie echoed her first question. At first, he referencing Bill. By the way of his gesture towards his arms, as if he was trying to capture the movements of Bill. His warm hugs. But something rude awakened in him and the face attached to ‘him’ had changed. His face grew dark and stiff.

Beverly, however, took it as he meant the owner of the latest “New Kids On The Block” album, she frowned, “I think he knew more than me.”

She kissed Richie’s cheek. It wasn’t a sloppy kiss like his mother gave to him when he was younger or a gentle kiss Eddie gave him when they were snuggling up together in the clubhouse a little too closely. No, it was a sad kind. The kind that only the girl who owned striking red hair and a fiery heart could produce.

Richie nodded, finally.

“I wish he had more time.” Richie sounded scared, “He would have done amazing things. I would hope.”

Beverly felt her body go hot, like they stepped over lava. A fragment of her brain told her it was her fault, she was trapped in the deadlights after all. She chose to ignore that.

She hesitantly placed a hand on Richie's shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze. She knew words were never her strong suit, it was actions. Bill would know the right words, that's the funny thing about him. His stutter, which seemed like a weakness to those outside the club, amplified his meaning behind those speeches. He knew how to lead, that's why he was the role model to all of them. But she had to be strong, for Richie. For herself. She let go of his shoulder and froze. Her mind pondered for ages until bravery struck. She inhaled and then spoke.

"Richie," she reaches out to grab his hand, looking him directly in the eyes, "I know he would. Because he did."

Richie looked like he was lost, his eyes twitching as he forced a weak smile. Bev felt like she was losing it and couldn't contain it any longer. They fell on the dirty floor, arms smugly wrapping around each other's waist. It felt like hours of endlessly sobbing, it reminded her of the time she and Richie talked about their lives. Something about adults and misunderstandings got to them until they couldn't bear their tears any longer. But this wasn't two kids sharing a cigarette while their parents thought they were asleep, no, this was two kids losing everything that gave them meaning and purpose. They lost something more than friends, they lost their home. Now this home had to be rekindled, renamed, and even reinvented into something new. Something that was made for people like them.

Something loving.

_They left the sewers, hand in hand._

———

_**June 1995** _

Beverly Marsh and Richie Tozier set a truce. They would save up all of their money to buy a camper van and head out of Derry. They never wanted to lose sight of who they were and where they came from, as they were two who lost the most. Days turned into weeks, weeks into months. Soon enough, they were both eighteen and able to pack up and leave. Bev said goodbye to her Aunt (they lived together for less than a year, but Bev returned to Derry to see Rich) and went on a forever road trip with her best friend.

Soon, this dream shall become a reality for Beverly and Richie. They would soon be traveling down the southeast coast to their new home. Florida.

"Hey Bevvie?"

Bev's arm hung out the window, her fingers delicately flicking a cigarette. Her hair was now cut even shorter, barely framing her cheekbones. Turning her attention to the boy with saggy black locks, she tilted her aviators (ones that Rich had stolen from a gas station after a man forgot them) and her vision was brightened by the image of his pale completion. She released a "hmm" out of her lips, but she really was unable to use any words.

"You've been really quiet since we left Delaware," He could read her like a book, almost to a scarily level, "something up?"

She had to fight the urge to scream back, "All of my childhood friends died from a fucking clown" or maybe "My childhood was stolen from me before I even turned 14". The images of her friends compacted into her brain. She instead inhaled sharply.

"I'm fine, I-I swear Richie! Don't give me that lo-, I'm okay." Beverly's words swirled into one sentence, "Let's listen to the radio."

Richie looked at her one last time, before dialing through the channels. Static would fill the air, then a voice, then static. The world pointlessly

_(Beverly?)_

spinning around

_(Can you hear us?)_

her.

_(We all float down)_

She couldn't connect to her own body, as strangely as it is. She could feel everything but her mind was never aligned with her body. She was a third perspective in her life, it seems.

_(here.)_

It's the summer of 1995 and the world hasn't changed a bit. The Losers are still kids and the world is still cursed. She can't even look at Richie's license plate without feeling sick to her stomach. Derry was home to a nightmare, one her father believed he could outlive. He was wrong.

The music played, the song filled the void of discomfort among the two survivors. That's what they were. Nothing more than your average out of school angsty teen, right? Maggie had attempted to call them at one point. Well, emphasis on attempt. She merely called because she was worried for Richie's safety, but they were reckless souls who hadn't cared much for authority. Could you blame them? All the authority in their lives had either died, ruined them, or misunderstood them. Nothing too good from it all.

Richie's fingers messed over with the dials a few times before stopping on a song. Elton John. Of course he chose that. Richie and Eddie used to stay over at each other's houses while their parents were asleep and play this song on his Walkman. She can feel the presence of Eddie fill her senses. His smile as Richie pulled up this song, the dimples forming as the notes struck into his heart. Richie always said Eddie looked as if the stars sparked within his eyes, a certain discovery he's yet to let go of.

_"Don't discard me just because you think I mean you harm... But these cuts I have, oh, they need love to help them heal"_

Beverly rolled her teeth over her lips a few times before sticking the cigarette into her mouth. The black air filled the top of the car as she breathed out, smoke strumming from her lips. She darted her eyes over to Richie. He looked older. She never pictured a kid like him to grow up looking as if the world had already failed him. He was the kid who made "your mom" jokes around his crush. The kid who used to bottle up his emotions and hide behind 10 layers of voices. The kid whose parents wanted a daughter and instead they got him.

She knew he would grow tired of this traveling, he would want to grow up,

"Wanna drive by the beach?" He asked, without even thinking.

Beverly nodded, and there they went.

———

_**October 1989** _

_She hugged Ben._

It was the first time The Losers had noticed Bev acting differently, she hated contact. Her hugging anyone one else generally would show that she’s feeling uplifted, but Ben’s hugs are different. Stan hugged Ben at 1 am at a sleepover when he couldn’t sleep due to nightmares. Richie hugged Ben when Richie came out to his parents and they didn’t understand a thing he meant. Eddie hugged Ben when he felt like his mother excused her homophobia by suggesting she was looking out for him. Bill hugged Ben whenever he stepped into Georgie’s room (which hasn’t changed since IT). Mike hugged Ben when he saw the Losers start a fire at the Quarry.

Bev hugged Ben, and it felt like it came out of nowhere.

“Woah, what’s gotten into you?” Richie leaned into Eddie as they walked.

Bev didn’t answer and Ben couldn’t answer.

No one dared to bother the two, so they continued discussing what birds Stan saw or the latest movie playing in the Aladdin. But Richie kept his eyes on Bev. He cares for her deeply, almost to a tremendous degree. However, he had to focus on Eddie. He knew his mind was on Bev, but all attention went to Eddie. Thankfully so. Bev hates attention. Or maybe she does, she just hates people seeing her differently. That is the reason the Losers' Club is her home. It's more than a friend group. It was her family. With them it didn't matter how she dressed or what perfume she used, they saw her as Beverly. The girl with passion. Toughest one out there.

"Beverly," Ben spoke quietly, as if he didn't want her to hear, "what's wrong?"

Ah, but she did hear. She didn't want to. Not because she wants to ignore Ben. Rather it was the way he said it. So genuine, worried.

"Nightmares, needed a hug." She smiles at him, causing him to go a bit red.

"O-oh okay.." He turned away, looking ahead of him.

Beverly giggled, she understood that voice. The one he kept for only her. She knew this because it was Ben. It was her rock, her comfort. No one could take this moment away from her. Not even a few strange glances from Richie.

Thankfully, their conversation shifted. From the strange mannerisms of Bev to Halloween treats. They all agreed on nothing related to horror, although Richie was a tad bit upset when Freddy Kruger was off the list. The major issue was the fact that none of them had the obligation to go trick-or-treating, except maybe Bill and Richie. Stan's parents were heavily religious folk who believed that it was devil worship, Bev wasn't allowed out with boys, Ben's parents didn't enjoy the thought of their son being out for that long, Eddie wasn't even allowed out past 9 pm, and Mike was more at risk at night than another one else.

It was the worst time of year to be a loser, especially since you're an easy target now. But whenever they looked at each other, they saw nothing but small ounces of bravery injected beneath the layers of trauma. They were stronger together, and that's all that matters.

"No, Richie, I am not going as an angel." Eddie rolled his eyes, as Richie wrapped an arm around his shoulder.

"Aw, come on, Eds!" Richie made a kissy face, "Be my angel to my devil." Eddie blushed, as he pushed Richie's face away. Both boys drowning in giddy laughter.

"At least he's accurate." Stan snickered to Bill. They share a look before bubbling into laughter.

Everything seems normal, that's all Bev could afford. She ignores Ben's reddening face and her own pounding heart. Her mind draws back to a song she heard on the radio, she hums softly to the beat.

"I can't find oh, the right romantic line, But see me once and see the way I feel"

The boys chatter fills up the empty space, a round of costume discussions and tips on sneaking out. They spoke to each other as if they were kindergarteners learning what halloween meant, which boiled down to "spooky shit", in Richie's words. The silliness of it all clouds Bev mind at last. At least she knows what to fill her mind with when she gets too scared of herself. Just listen to your friends stop your bird friend from kicking the shit out of the clown kid for saying you should "dress up as a dreidel". That and holding Ben's hand is nice.

———

_**June 1995** _

There they were, at a beach nearby.

Both of them shared an afternoon smoke, sitting on the fence that separated the beach from the parking lot. Surprising, not a lot of people were out. It was wildly cold for summer, but Beverly couldn't remember what state she was even in.

"Say, you think we'll be doing this forever?" Richie looked over at her, his glasses glance in the sunlight, "Til death do we part?"

"Hell yeah!" She replied with a bright smile, she placed a hand on his.

He tossed his head back and laughed. Lord did she miss that Richie laugh. He sounded like an asthmatic dog choking on a corn dog, but god it was great to hear it again.

"I mean, won't you like.. get bored? It'd be weird being roommates when we're in our 40s and just be traveling the world without any real path." Richie flicked his cig, "We should try to settle down, you know? At some point.."

Bev leaned her body over to Richie, as she squeezed his hand. "Buddy, that's what my dad ended up doing. He forced my mom to settle down with him, couldn't," She smiles, "I'm probably a mistake, to be honest."

"Don't say that, even if you are.." he trailed off, "and besides, if anything, I'm a mistake on humanity." He lifted his hand from Bev's grasp and pointed a thumb to his face, creating a stupid grin on his face.

"Shut up, Trashmouth!" Bev smacked him and they laughed. Then they went quiet for a moment.

"I mean.. don't you wanna grow up." He looked away, placed the cig on his lips and breathed out hot air.

She thinks about that. Father always told her about being a woman. The gross things boys wanted to do to her. The gross things he did to her. It was.. unfair to grow up, in her eyes. Why grow up when shit is crumbling besides you. The house she once called home was never truly a home, rather a place with her dad and a bed. Never her happy place. This idea of getting married and having kids and having to work gave her hives.

"Funny, coming from you." She said, quietly, "You grew up hating the thoughts of being an adult."

Richie shook his head, "I hated sticking to a plan, now we're out of Derry. I might have a plan."

To be honest, Bev never wanted to leave Richie's side. It was stupid to think that they will never be apart, because they never had thoughts of working in the same field. Richie wanted to be a comedian. She wanted to be a fashion designer. Unless he wanted to model for her, or she wanted to help with his shows, there was no correlation to their dreams. A feeling lingers, a selfish one at that. She wished she never thought of it but she couldn't help it. One where Richie and Bev gave up on their dreams and lived together, unmarried with no kids. Two grown adults just.. living together. It was stupid to think of that, because even if they were best friends, there's no way Richie would toss away his dreams for her. He wouldn't want her to do that for him either. He even encouraged her to continue with that life. Without him. Without Richie Tozier and his stupid jokes.

"I don't.. I don't wanna leave you, trashmouth. I-I saw what happened.. we.." Bev felt a pit in her stomach, she was going to tell him. Secretly, they promised to never talk of the deadlights. But it felt like she had to, she needed to.

"What, Bev, what happened?" Richie leaned into her, she felt his breath on her face.

She inhales. She knows what she has to do, "When we fought IT," She began, "when I got stuck in the deadlights, I saw a future. We survive but.. we forget each other. I didn't know who you were, you.. I'm scared. I don't kn- I need you."

"I need you too, but," He lifted his hands to smoke again but instead he dropped it, forcing himself to look Bev in the eyes, "someday we have to leave."

"That's scary."

"Indeed it is." Finally, Richie smoked again. He coughed a little. Tears filled the corners of his eyes, he reached up his glasses to rub them. He croaks out, "Fuck, I wish Bill was here."

Bev snapped up, her eyes were filled with terror. That name wasn't spoken before. They didn't agree to ignore their friends, but they simply don't say their names a lot. It's almost refreshing to hear that name and not read it within a book, but that will not stop her from freaking out.

"S-same.."

They went for a bit, as they heard crickets chirp. Richie tossed his cigarette and crushed the flames with his feet. Richie then dropped his head down, weeping silently as Bev lit another cigarette for him.

———

_**May 1990** _

Beverly combed her red locks, staring at herself in the mirror. She stuck her tongue out, hoping she would force a giggle out of the sad girl trapped in the glass. She couldn't. She could sense Ben turning on his stereo. Music was filling the emptiness of the room as she brushed her teeth. Viciously sliding the brisks of the brush against her teeth. She was in third place for worlds worst toothbrush (Richie was in first because he barely brings one and Eddie has to bring a spare for him). Thinking back to the sleepover, she realizes that Ben's house had always been a safe spot for her. His parents always worked late, but when they were there they always comforted them. They stocked up on their favorite snacks. Once Richie had complained about the maple syrup they had in the fridge, so they got a different brand almost immediately. When Eddie talked about the importance of having a first aid kit in every room and compartment, Bev began to notice the increase of kits within Ben's house. She also believed that when Stan lost his bird book, Ben's mother bought him a new one from the library, but it could have been Ben too. She was always protected and heard here.

_"Don't let the sun go down on me_  
_Although I search myself, it's always someone else I see"_

Her mouth was dripping with blood. Actually, it was just her gums that were bleeding and even then it was just as bad as flossing. Still, her spit was filled with red sparks of blood debris. She washes up, even splashing water in her face to add color back to a saturated face. Returning to her spot, or rather, the fortress Eddie and Richie made for them all. It was less of a fort, to be perfectly honest. It was a couch with a blanket over the armrests and pillows lined up to be a mount, where the Losers sat on (besides Stan and Bill).

_"I'd just allow a fragment of your life to wander free"_

"Ben.." Mike grumbled, half awake, "Please turn that off.. trying to sleep.."

Ben smiled, but he knew Mike couldn't see it. He did what Mike asked, watching him drift into a slumber. He tugged his blanket over Mike's body, as he had leaned over the edge of the fort - rather than on Ben's shoulder where he would be able to share more with him. No one would notice this, but that was a special gift of Ben. He did things without others noticing and didn't believe he deserved attention for it either.

"Ben," Bev started, looking over at him, "Do you.. get nightmares?"

Ben looked up as if he was in thought and then shook his head.

"Not too often, but I might have just forgotten them."

Bev wished someone could relate to her, she shouldn't be the only one who felt this way about that night. Surely that was a lie. She hoped it was, even though Ben was awfully terrible at lying in the first place.

"Oh." She couldn't think of anything else to say.

"Why?" Ben asked, pressing her further, "Do you get nightmares?"

_(do i)_

"Yeah, apparently.. I scream.. I don't wanna.. scare anyone."

_(scares the shit out of me)_

Ben nodded at her, knowing. He stretched his arms out, inviting. She scooted closer to him, letting her head relax on his chest. He was so warm, it filled Bev's senses with glee. Although, admittedly they were both in the most awkward position due to Bev being slightly taller than Ben.

"Ben, remember the deadlights?"

The deadlights. She hated talking about it. Ben shifted, she knows why. She understands the discomfort of it all, mostly because she knows what's happening but he doesn't. It was like holding a deep secret. And it'd be quite charming, as if watching the death of your friends was charming.

Ben moved, Bev assumed it was in understanding, "I saw us as adults, right? Well, I saw another thing too. It was.. scary, basic-"

"You don't have to say what it was, Bev, if you don't want to." Ben said quickly.

Bev looked up at him, her heart bursted. If she wasn't so desensitize to idea of affection, she would have cried right then and there. He was the same boy who shared his blanket in secret with another boy who demanded Ben to lower the music, although not viciously of course - this was Mike they were speaking of. He was the same one who would share his comics with Richie and Eddie up in the club house, without asking for them to be returned. The same one who went bird watching with Stan, even though he had little to no interest in them. The same kid who would walk with Mike to the farm, because they were all afraid of walking home alone, and the same one who discussed topics of art with Bill, although Bill had more of an interest than Ben ever did. And here she was, talking about something Ben definitely wants to learn more about, prompting her to stop talking about subjects that was uncomfortable to her.

This was the reason she trusted Ben more than Bill. Bill was daring and understanding, but he didn't have Ben's patience or softness. Bill was rash, too easy to rile up. She knew it was difficult to not like him, but he was never hers to begin with. She looked at him and Stan. Perhaps Stan happened to balance out his brashness, maybe he could soften up. But she knew she could never. Looking at Bill felt like dipping into a tub of hot, boiling water. It was exciting and fantastical, but not ideal. But even brushing against Ben's fingertips felt like sunny mornings and warm coffee. _She was protected._

"No, I want to talk about it." This has been her only chance at telling someone, anyone, about her memories. About IT. About the deaths. About the trip.

**_(About Richie.)_ **

Part of her wants to talk as well, letting go of her feelings and freeing her mind of the muck. She probably should ask for outside help, but somehow speaking to Ben made her mind lift up from the ground. Like she was soaring in the arm, without fear.

_She took a deep breath in._

———

_**July 1995** _

"It's been 7 years since.." Richie looked over at Bev, who was seated on the hood of their car.

"Yeah, I know." She replied, too focused on the sky above to look at Rich.

They were parked by the beach of Miami. The stars twinkled as the sky turned to a twilight blue. The ocean air cleared their senses of what they left in Derry. Richie and Bev were patiently waiting for the Fourth Of July parade, something they have been looking forward to since they got there. Although Bev had went over where they were staying and Richie checked for gas prices and saved up for the correct amount, they just felt off. It was like a strange sense of nervousness filled their air.

"Ain't it funny?" Richie spoke again, his voice was nearly breaking but it went unnoticed by Bev.

"Hmm?"

"We were supposed to have this night with our friends. I planned this.. for like, 2 years with them. You know, me and Eddie thought about traveling to, god who knows where. Then you joined us and we agreed to let you join us, an-and.."

"Hey, Richie." Bev scooted towards him, "They love you, okay? They will always love you."

"God, Bev. I don't know, don't you think Eddie would think.. I-I.."

"He loved you, man. I guess it was pretty obvious. He literally hated you for introducing me to the group." She smiled so brightly that she could overshadow the moon and stars itself.

"He was just jealous you succumbed to my charms." Richie puffed up his collar, giving a smug ass smirk.

"Ah yes, the charms of a twelve year old who brushes his teeth every once in a full moon."

"You betcha!"

Bev hit him, playfully, "Serious man! That kid was heads over heels for you. Remember that one time you got mono-"

"Yeah, from Sonia's-"

_(beep beep)_

"Yeah." Bev rolled her eyes but kept going, "He was so desperate for you, constantly talking about how much he misses you and your.. stupid jokes. At some point, I was joking around and said something like, 'hey you should just marry Richie, that way you'll always be able to see him' and I swear to god, his face was redder than my hair."

_(richie)_

"Yeah, well it didn't feel like that, I suppose that's just me. Looking back, I can admit there were times I was a bit.. curious as to what he was implying. Mostly I was too damn embarrassed about this weird crush."

"Ain't nothing wrong with having a crush, Rich, lord knows I can't exactly relate to the-" She waved her hands wildly in front of him and hoping he knew what she was suggesting, "..part of it, but definitely the crush part. For the longest time, I didn't think I was deserving of love. My dad was.. you know, tough on me. Grew up thinking that love was tough. Remember, as kids? We joked about dating or whatnot, guess that was my trashmouth trying to understand some shit. Love and friendship came hand in hand, not saying it shouldn't? Just that I didn't understand romance, like at all.." She gave off a weak laugh.

Richie bit his lip, tempting a joke but instead, "Life is tough, why make love be tough too? Love is hard but shouldn't be tough, you know?"

Bev knows.

_(does she know)_

"The fireworks are starting."

"Oh shit!"

The two of them sat on the hood of their car, Bev pulled her knees up and wrapped her arms around them. Her eyes gazed upon the newly lit sky. The fireworks bursted amongst the twilight ridden space, sending vibrations through the air. The flames of gunpowder gave the world a new meaning, rewriting it to become a showcase of multi different colors. Bev could feel her heart pounding out of her chest, the lovely view filled up some kind of space. She lifted her hand to her heart, but it didn't feel like it was hers. Richie glazed over and she did the same, sharing a look that only one other person was given in their lifetime. Not a look of desire or seduction, but one of genuine love. That hand slid down her shirt, combing her fingertips over the curl of her hair but barely moving it from its original spot. Alas, her hair was far too short to be moved by any motion of the hand, something she was grateful for. Richie swung his arm loosely against her back and pulled her in for a one sided hug.

_(did she know well)_

She only leaned on his shoulder. Her blue eyes reflected the charm of the trails of lights. They were filled with astonishment. How could a small flame transform into the a mess of color that many can find endearing. Was she endearing too? Had people seen her as a loyal trooper? Or was she nothing more than the typical onlooker? She realized it didn't matter. Richie was clung onto her as if she would disappear without his knowledge. All she had was Richie and it was all she needs. Soon, her fears shall melt away into a puddle of evaporated waste.

_(january embers)_

And this soon will come to her one day. Whether it be in a dream or nightmare was up to her. But tonight, this was a dream. A dream her and her friends could live in. Their guardianship cast a shadow beneath the two friends as the glowing light fire into the air. The powerful noise clogs any sense of reality for a few moments. The presence of their friends, however, lurks on. Love continues, so will the love of her friends.

———

_**May 1990** _

Bev shoots up awake, breathing as if she was saved from drowning. The losers were startled before she came into consciousness. Presumably from all the screaming she had done in the dream prior. Millions upon millions of things happened, she saw her father, she saw her and Richie hanging out, she saw her friends die. They die. Dead. God, those words rattled in Bev's brain. Sitting there in all of its gory beauty.

"Bev, wh-what happened?" Bill asked, jumping back.

"I-I sa-saw you-"

Ben looked at her, once again remembering what he was told moments before they fell asleep together. He frowned, sadly filling his head with terrible images.

"You all- you all.."

"God, Bev.. I knew nightmares were rough but.." Eddie rubbed his eyelids, his cheeks were red from the warmt of Richie's shoulder.

"You died." She sounded dark. _Inhuman._

"Excuse me?" Eddie blinked.

"All of you! You.. I.. Eugh!" Bev face planted into a pillow, screamed out for something.

"She saw something bad, real bad." Ben began, quickly.

Everyone looked at Bev, who quietly weep into a pillow. She lifts her head up slightly, tilting it so he sees her eyes begging for him to go on.

"When we fought IT, the bad stuff happened. She.. felt bad. But, Richie was alive too." Richie perked up when his name was said, but Ben continued, "You two sorta grew up together, right?" Bev nodded frantically. "Bev.. felt like she was there. I believe there was a trip..?"

"A trip to Florida," Bev added, "Like Mike said."

"Lord, Bev.. is this keeping you up at night?" Richie asked. Bev didn't reply.

Stan leaned over, he placed a loving hand on her back, "Beverly, I don't know what goes on in your head but, please tell us. We worry about you too, you know."

"Stan.. but, what if my monsters are worse than anyone else's? Won't they be.."

"We all carry monsters, why also carry the burden of it alone?"

Bev felt tears leaking from her eyelids. She smiles, of course he's right. He's Stanley Uris. The one you go to ignore your house troubles, the one you go to rekindle his child-like joy of birds, the one who rants to you about his fears, and the one you go to for a hard, cold truth. And you would love because who in their right mind wouldn't.

Mike perked up, "Beverly," Mike smiled, "You're always welcomed to stay at the farm too." His smile lit up the room but Bev felt an ache in her chest. Like she didn't deserve that smile in the slightest. That same face who muttered Ben to turn down the music. The same face Ben trusted so dearly with his blanket.

"I know, thank you Mike."

Still his smile warmed her up, because it was a sediment filled with love.

"Besides, how fucked up that you ended up with me as a "death do we part" partner?" He flashes a dorky grin.

"Very, you won't shut your trap." Bev giggled, rolling her eyes playfully.

"At least that me is accurate." Richie fake whispered to Eddie, but it was loud enough to be heard anyways. The Losers laughed.

The laughter eased the anxiety of Bev. They continued talking to Bev, making sure she was okay, before escaping back into jokes of her nightmares to turn away some lasting fear of hers. She didn't notice Stan's hand was still on her back. He was protectively massaging her mid-back. When she finally realized this, she already saw Stan shift his hand to Bill. Perhaps he was a tad bit jealous, but Bev didn't mind. Stan would always sort of have a protective hand over her, in one way or another.

———

_**August 1995** _

They thought of returning to Derry once. They couldn't bring themselves to do so. The memories would torment them, the idea of even seeing the place their friends had died would hurt them vigorously. However, Maggie had called Richie and when he answered, before he could deny her any allowance into his life, she had said a name that shook both Bev and Richie to their core.

"Eddie Kaspbrak, Richie, it's about him." Maggie spoke, "Did you take him with you?"

"Yeah, I took a corpse with us to Fl- far away." Richie looked over to Bev, she mouthed "good job" and gave him a thumbs up.

Maggie's voice was now filled with bitterness at that response, "This isn't a game Richard, did you or did you not?"

"You're not a cop, ma."

"Yes, but I sure as hell could call one. Tell me."

"I didn't. Hell, don't know where he is. Is that all you wanted?"

Maggie was quiet. It bothered them she was quiet. It meant she was either going to hurt Richie more with her words or hurt herself by thinking through it all. Bev hoped for the latter one very badly, so they could continue this and get the hell out before she can track them down and hunt them dow

"So it's true."

"What?"

"His journal. I don't why, but he left it here."

Richie's heart froze, his journal. How could they forget it? Eddie had given it to Rich back before the whole 'thing' happened. They only person other than Eddie (duh) and himself whose seen it was Bev. It gets more sad the more it went on, but came to the sad conclusion that he

"Said he.. he loved you." Her voice was hesitant, "I suspect you want me to return this?"

**_(return back to derry)_ **

"Ye-yes. Please."

_(come back to hell)_

"Tell me your address."

"What?"

"I don't care about where you are, you would just leave if you saw me."

"Alright.."

It was quiet again, but Maggie's sudden words rushed out, "Did you tell him that you loved him?"

"What?" Richie was bewildered at her implications.

"The night before he.. you know, did you say something that scared him?"

"Wh-why would you suggest that?"

"I dunno, cops ruled his death a.. because.. maybe he was just.. scared, scared of you. Not because.. I mean it doesn't matter, but he was bad with feelings, you know?"

"Yeah, yeah. I know." Richie paused, "I didn't. Not directly at least."

"Then why did he come over more than your sister's boyfriends. Why would you pinch his cheeks? Why did you call him Derry's hottest attraction fo-?"

Richie just stood there, Bev could feel his pulse. She sat up from the hotel bed and ripped the phone out of Richie's hand. She knew if she allowed this to go on any longer, Richie would crumble into a pile of ash and shame.

"Thank you Miss T, I'll tell you the address to our next stay." She walked over the a desk and rolled open the drawer. She lifted a notepad and read out the next hotel's name. Their next hotel was actually a friend's house, a pen pal to be exact. She hadn't told them where she planned on going, hoping they won't be able to tell Maggie or worse, the cops. Although they were older than 18, Richie was considered a "run away" and Maggie would do something about it. But it didn't matter now, mostly because they chipped in to buy their own car and their own apartment. Soon, this "chipping in" will hopefully lead them to a new apartment. But, still there was always a looming terror between them. It wasn't the fact that Maggie was on their backs or that they couldn't buy the apartment. It was more the fear of Derry coming back to them that frightened them.

After Bev was done, she hung up the phone and dropped it on the bed. She spun herself around and looked over at Richie, who pulled out a seat and just stared intently at his shoelaces.

"Rich-" She began, tilting her head slightly showing her remorse.

"I don't fucking understand her! She knows how much he means to me! How much he meant to all of us, suddenly she thinks.. no, she thought she knew. She always does. But, surprise!" Richie wore an over the top smile and extended his arms outwards as if he was showing off the room like a prize, "She doesn't!"

"Rich, she just thinks she knows you. We'll wait for the journal and we'll be off. Okay?"

_"Marsh."_

Both hated that. To Bev, it was a reminder of her past life. The one she's trying to get away from so badly. To Richie, it was an insult on her strength. The Marsh name was never given to her in a neatly tied bow, it was forced down her throat until she choked. She fought her way out of Hell and she would do it again.

"It's more than that. She.. she's embarrassed." Richie turned away from her.

Bev lifted her hand, trying to reach him, "No, Richie don't-"

He turned back, so he could see her face again,"You can't deny it!" He brought his shoulders up so they were clutching his head and he pointed at her. She was targeted, in the spotlight, or whatever bullshit. She was nervous to admit it. But she knew it was true. Maggie and Wentworth, although never outright saying it, knew they would never be able to understand him. 

He turned away, not wanting to view her again. He gestured wildly, "My sister was like.. the goddess of light," he turned his head slightly in curiosity, "is that a thing?" he shook his head and turned away again, "Then I came along, as the big fuck up."

"Nothing is fucked up about you, Rich. I mean, yeah. Some shit is fucked, but what she was talking about?" Bev shook her head, then walked over to turn him, "Nothing fucked about love."

"What about the other shit, huh? I get loving him wasn't fucked but then what about is different than my sister or.. or you?" He flashed her his palm, but then slowly took it away as soon as she reacted. She was dumbfounded. Richie brought it up again, fuck and did it hit her.

"S-sorry.. didn't-"

Something within her broke, not like a broken phone or door frame, so nothing that can be fixed. Rather, whatever broke inside her, was something never meant to be fixed in the first place. It was trembling there, afraid of her more than anything else. It was what made her migraines worse, what made her coffee black, and what caused her to finally speak.

She clenched her fists, "Nothing is wrong with love." She emphasized every word.

"What..? But you said tha-"

"Yeah, cause you have a thick ass skull, Richard." She crossed her arms.

They were quiet, lord she wanted to strangle him for thinking this way. But could she blame him? He lived life in the carpool line, waiting for the time he could take off into the freeway.

She sighs, "I feel like Stan all over again." She pressed her fingers to her temples and then added, "Rich, you know what's different about our love, right? It was born out of fear. We were all scared of something..or someone. Maggie, your sister, my father.. never felt fear like we have. They were welcomed with open arms. But we weren't greeted like that, no, this world gave us our fists and told us to grab bullets. But we.. we are more than that. More than our fear. So no matter what she says," She smacked her hand on his shoulder, "Got it?"

Richie couldn't help but smile at her. His hand reached behind him to his shoulder, so he could clasp his hand over hers. Turning slightly, he breathed slowly.

_"Got it, Miss Beaverly."_

———

_**June 1990** _

"Do you think about what happened to Bowers last year?"

Beverly Marsh, with a cigarette dangled from her chapped lips, shook her head wildly, "Got what was coming for him, was gonna end up like that one way or another." She knew Bowers was fucking insane, but she felt tad bit bad he was accused wrongfully. But then again he did almost kill them, twice, so the guilt never stuck with her.

"No, not Henry." Richie muttered, black smoke escaping from his mouth.

"Oh! Oh.." Beverly knew very little about Richie's sister and her affairs.

She knew the main gists of it though. Connor showed up, he called upon Henry, Henry was close to kicking Richie's ass, and somehow, in the mists of escape, he saw Connor and his sister making out on main street.

"Why do you bring him up now?"

Richie looked down, "Cause.. I've been lying to you."

_(beverly)_

"What, what does that mean?"

_(he's a liar)_

"He.. he didn't.. make out with my sister." He muttered, like that was hard to say.

"Okay? I don't see how that's important to admit.."

"He called me.. a-a.."

Other than a dick or asshole, Beverly couldn't think of any other words to describe Richie. Sure, they might call him a strange name like.. fuck, Eddie called him that.. Yeah, no way they would call him anything he hasn't heard from Eddie. Maybe he said something that was really bad, like something about his sister. They love each other to death, she thought. How did a bunch of meatheads come up with something smart enough to destroy to never ending ego of Richie 'Trashmouth' Toz

"He said I was a fairy, he- I don't know.. told Henry I was trouble, or something."

**_(eddie bear wouldn't say that)_ **

"Richie.. I-I.."

"No, Bev. You and I both know this isn't a coming out. You don't need to say shit like, 'I love you!' or fucking, 'I support you!', I know you knew."

Beverly was going to say she was sorry, but thought it was best to let go from the I's for now. This was about Richie now, that's what she wants this to be about.

"Richie, but you know that's true."

"What, that I'm a fairy?" He laughed sadly.

"What? No! I mean.. I knew.." Bev was just going to stop at that thought, "In my visions.."

"Oh! There you go, just talk about visions!" Richie snapped, he smacked his hands in front of Beverly's face, "You realize this is reality right? This is real."

Beverly backed away, raising her hands up, "Oh ok, so you being in love with Eddie, wasn't real?"

Richie froze at the name. He looked like she slapped him with a wet fish. Beverly had crossed a line, but the truth was.. she didn't know yet until she continued.

"Eddie never.. I dunno, broke into your house via window? Never gave his love and attention? Never.. said something that sounded like an I love you?" She counted it off on her fingers. She would continue too, if Richie hadn't interrupted her.

"No, Marsh, he hasn't. Wanna know why?" He looked at her in such a matter it made her feel stupid, _"He's not gay!"_

"Fuck Richie, just fucking listen to me!"

Richie scoffed, it sounded so violent that Bev could mistake this for him choking. Little did she know, he would give her words to choke on.

"No, because I can't go 5 seconds from this.. I don't know.. shit about the deadl- your visions!"

Deadlights. They can't say that anymore because

_(remember me?)_

it reminds her of

_(your best friend)_

that night in her muddy dress and bloody hands that had killed a man.

_(i've been waiting for you)_

"Rich-"

"They're not real! You know that, it's.. you know they are still alive. So why hang onto this, it's like you love torturing yourself or something."

Richie dropped his cigarette and stomped out the flames. He just waited for her big remark, maybe a snarky reply. His eyes begged for them to be punched out by her reddened knuckles. Instead of a sample of her physical strength, she showed an example of her greatest weakness. Anger.

"You know what, fuck you, Rich."

She bent down, grabbing her satchel. She swung it across her shoulder and turned away from him. She flipped him off as she walked away, begging her eyes to not cry before she headed home.

"Oh, that's right. Run away, like you always fucking do." The way Richie yelled that made Bev think he didn't mean it, but she was too damn furious to care.

How dare he assume that, how dare he assume anything about her. She wanted nothing more than to cry in her pillow and die a silent death. But no death was silent. Not even one within her mind.

If only she looked behind her again, she would see Richie - still and lifeless - with his hands in his pockets and his eyes of regret. His position was begging her to come out, holding out that she would turn around and hug him and he would cry helplessly. Because he thinks he knows about Eddie. Because the people in his life are happy. Bill has Stan and Ben has Bev. Mike has his farm. Eddie has his friends. Richie supposes he has his friends too, but maybe he just lost the most important one. The one who understands his own feelings.

But she is too stubborn. Too anger by the idea of turning back and admitting she was wrong. Because although she is an adult in her visions, she is a child by default. Maybe deadlight Bev would turn around. Maybe she would cry in Richie's arms as they share a smoke. A side of her wants to tell Richie about all their talks. Because she had millions of them with him. But how can she talk about millions of conversations he's too embarrassed to talk about.

So she doesn't turn, she doesn't turn around for a long, long time.

———

_**August 1995**_

"Hey, Beverly." Richie wore a queen shirt over striped pajama shorts, he walked over to her with a bowl of nacho chips.

"Yeah?" Beverly was seated on the couch, tapping her fingertips on the arm. She was infatuated with whatever was playing on the TV, probably a game show of some sort. 

"Guess who just scored his first gig!" He sat down enthusiastically, placing the bowl on his lap.

Beverly just looked at him and smiled wickedly.

"Jerry Seinfeld?"

Richie glared at her and pushed her playfully in the shoulder. She reached over and rubbed her arm, dramatically groaning an 'ow!'. They laughed for a second before Richie began again.

"No, dummy! I got an act in Miami! First thing next week, already looking forward to my name in the stars." He raised his arms in the air and, with open palms, he spread them apart - as if he was reading from above him: "Richie Trashmouth Tozier-" he lowered his arms, now his fingers made L-like shapes, "presents-" and he lowered them one last time, before flashing a shiteating smile, "how to fuck your mom without any precautions!"

Beverly snorted and punched him in the chest, causing him to drop the bowl of nachos. Richie groaned, but was still in a upbeat mood. Thank god it dropped on tile.

"You bitch! Now, I have to call Julia and make another bowl." He snickered, placing his hand on her shoulder.

Beverly giggled again. She was happy to live with Richie Tozier, he was goofy and sweet. The only downside is that it's hard being productive when all you hear is shitty one liners about fucking moms and out of context sexual innuendos. But he was still great. He definitely deserved this stand up. He's been workshopping it for years, even before she came up with the moving to Florida plan.

"I'll be right back." Then he headed towards the kitchen. She was still in a gaze, until a voice familiarized her attention.

_(bevvie)_

She turned her head towards the TV. Instead of the family friendly TV show she was watching beforehand, she saw a man. This man, however, was different from any person she had seen before. His head was beaten, causing his face to be beyond recognition, and his forehead oozed of dried blood. As he smiled, his teeth was replaced with fangs. It looked like something out of a shitty horror film. Somehow, she felt her chest grow heavy as the man (body?) proceeded to approach to TV screen.

_(it's been a while hasn't it?)_

Bev felt her body drop into darkness, her fingers were forced upwards as if they sensed a bubbling sensation. It was like she was dunked underwater and she stuck in slow motion as she quietly drowned. But there was no water, no air, and no anything to tell her she was or was not anywhere. All she knows is that she isn't home. She felt her head ache as the cold intertwined with her body's temperature. The whole ordeal was serene and yet she felt more scared than ever.

_(since you came out to play..)_

Her eyes widened and she heard the smashing of glass. Her head snapped to the direction she heard the noise. The bowl. Richie. She screamed at him, simply holding on hope he would hear her cries and help. But, alas, this was a memory. Not her Richie. A memory. Her voice crumpled back into fear, now aware that she could just die here. Where time was limitless and the world was dark.

_(it's been a while bevvie)_

Her attention was back on ahead of her as the noises began to soften. The man, if you could call it that, stood above in a strange manner. His limbs were were bent backwards. He was on a pedestal, or something, he looked down on her. He was trying to make her feel more and more small and he was winning at it,

(float down here)

floating within the nothingness. Just this monster

_(no, call me daddy)_

and herself.

"You're not real!" She shouted, her voice echoed with rage. Still, the monster snarled, flashing a smug look. He stumbled closer, but somehow he was standing on air.

(oh bevvie, look at you)

"I'm not scared of you anymore!" As her voice opened up more and more, she felt her body become grounded.

_(don't be like this..)_

"You haven't scared me for a long, long time." She growled, her voice could break glass, **"Leave me the fuck alone!"** She wouldn't dare call that thing her father, because her father was not alive. It didn't matter what he was, he was dead to her.

Suddenly, a shift in the universe caused her vision to shake. Her body finally fell. But now she was constantly falling downwards. She was going out of consciousness, blinking rapidly as her head attempted to keep still. In the back of her mind, she heard that thing screech. It was distorted and loud, she wanted to cover her ears but her body went limp.

"Hey.. hey, I got you."

Beverly was lying, still, on the floor. Her arms were pinned to her sides and her legs were held together by an invisible string. Looking up, she saw a fellow bug-eyed friend. But she knew it wasn't him at all. Somehow reality and the flashback of memories got to her.

 **"Get the fuck away from me!"** She hit him, crawling away from his worried stare, "You aren't real!"

"What?"

"None of this! None of it is real." Beverly stumped her way to her feet, she wasn't used to being grounded, "That.. that stand up isn't real, our friend's death wasn't real, he.. I just saw him.."

"Bev," He pushed his hands outwards, as his was calming down a horse or something, he laughed.. god, she hated that dreaded sound, "Throw me a bone. What gives?"

"You're Richie, right?"

"Y-yeah?"

"What did Connor call you?"

"What?"

"Tell me what he said!"

"I-I don't know a Connor, Bevvie." That last word left a bad taste in her mouth. It sounded robotic, almost like he wasn't human. Because now Bev knows who she is.

_(bevvie)_

She marched into the bedroom, searching for something. Richie followed her, shouting obscure things that she didn't care to listen to as she tossed all their belonging on the floor. She found it, Eddie's journal. She waved it in the air when she found it, shaking it dramatically as if she found buried treasure. She had an urge to destroy it, but couldn't bring herself to do so.

_(bevvie come back to me)_

"Beverly! Beverly, listen to me!" Richie stood back but panic was seeking its way into her eyes, "Please don't open that, please it's Eddie's."

_**(bevvie bevvie BEVVI)** _

She opened it slowly, flipping the pages quickly just to torture him. Then she skimmed through the pages, stopping at a line that seemed out of place.

"Beverly, if you see this.." the words were not written by Eddie, Beverly knows that, the words were crumpling at the seems, "I must assure you that everything is fine.." Eddie was neat, he was clean and quiet, like a whisper from a friend while they tell you a deep secret, "I will get you out of this hellhole, you will be free of sin.." Eddie was nice he was nice he was nice he was

~~_(nice work eddiekins)_ ~~

"just wake up" was written, choppy and rushed.

She closed the book, but then it was crushed into dust. Her fingertips grasps for the comfort of a notebook but nothing was found. Richie had disappeared too and it felt like their home was nothing but a dream. Like she created this beautiful creation from nothing but fear and dust. She spun around, gazing at the beautiful sparks of light that shines above her. Soon, her legs and arms and head and torso and limbs will give in but right now it was a view.

A view that could last forever if she just accepted this life. But she is Beverly Marsh. And she doesn't give up for a silent view of nothingness. Because the morning sun will rise on her freckled kissed skin and golden hair, she will awake to her aunt flipping pancakes. Or maybe to a sleepover at Ben's house. She will wake up to batches of cookies or laughter from her friends. She didn't care how or why they were. Because she would be with people she loved. Not thoughts, not demons from her past.

She will break from this nightmare.

———

_**July 1990** _

It's been nearly 2 weeks since the fight between Bev and Richie. Neither of them spoke about because they couldn't find a way to bring it up since they were always around the Losers. Maybe they would avoid the topic well into their adulthood if it weren't for Fourth Of July, the biggest event in their memory. Ben and Mike planned a picnic party in the park and all the Losers felt inclined to attend, as it was a marker that sparked their friendship. Bev was one of the early ones, bringing cream puffs and sandwiches as she knew she wasn't the best chef in the group. She set up Ben's blanket, arranged the newly brought food in an aesthetic matter, and made sure that all her friends were able to see the fireworks.

Then Richie shows up 10 minutes late with a bag in his hand. It was wrinkled up grocery bag with a faded logo on the front, unbearable to read. He set it in the middle of the table and asked for it to not be moved as it was a "surprise". This annoyed Bev, mostly because Eddie would go on and on about germs found in large areas like stores. But she ignored it because it would be ridiculous to get upset over this.

The Losers ate and laughed, everything was perfect in Bev's eyes. She felt lightheaded but in a good way, like this was freeing her. But then she felt a tug on her sweater. She turned her body and saw Richie, leaning on his back with his elbow stuck to the ground and his cheek smudged against his fist, with eyes filled with several layers of nervous.

She sighed, standing up slowly and gesturing Richie to a tree. Instead of waiting, she stepped over him and walked to the tree without even turning back to make sure he was behind her. Like she had eyes in the back of her head. The tree made it possible that they would not be visible to anyone, especially the Losers - who were all since enjoying their dinner. Once they made their way to this spot, Richie dropped his head down as Bev presses against the tree.

"So, what do you want?"

"Bevvie," he began, "this is probably counterintuitive but, what were you going to say?"

Bev blinked, unsure of what he was trying to remind her of, "Excuse me?"

"Remember when Henry.." he stopped for a moment to look up, a moment of connection between the two, "..you said you knew. I mean, I know that you knew but.."

"My visions?" Bev had said distantly, as if it was an echo or a whisper. Remembrance fills her eyes, should she really tell him though? Love is an odd thing, she doesn't want to ruin it for hi

"You.. asked me if I loved him, insinuating towards Bill. I think I lied. But I guess I had asked you first, you said he already knew. I assumed for the longest time but it felt.. it felt very real.. Well, until.." She froze and then wrapped her body with her own arms. Tears bubbled towards the corners of her eyes.

_"Until what?"_

And just like that she couldn't breathe again. Her hands were formed into fists that were covered over her mouth, every time her hands strayed and she attempted to speak - nothing came of it. Words were immoral thing sitting in her brain, like darkness loomed over the thought of saying anything. At this point, she was better off mute. She would rather die than say another word from her shooken up mind. But then an explosion dropped in her heart.

Words, those foul things, came of the smoke that dug itself deep into her heart. She loathed the way she spoke. A million thoughts at a time, million seconds per minute. She didn't care if her stories were congorant or not, she didn't care if Richie couldn't make sense of it all. All she heard was his fierce cries to get her to stop, he slapped her but non aggressively. He was trying to wake her up but pain wasn't a feeling she could withhold right now. She was falling down, mentally and physically. Richie tried to help her stand but her body gave in and was on the floor. Richie stood above as her words vomited from her lips.

"Beverly! Beverly, god damn it!" He placed his hands on her shoulders, shaking her about, _"Snap out of it!"_

She continued, hardly breathing and crying: "T-then I saw my father, yes! My father! He was a fucking.. a monster.. spider? I don't fucking care, he called me words. Oh god! His laugh, he sounded like the static on a radio but worse, oh so much worse."

He grabbed her face and kissed her. Like Ben in the deadlights. Like Bill when Beverly left. However, this time was not romantic at all. A kiss left a bad taste in her mouth, like she was forced to return feelings to boys she didn't care about. But Richie wasn't one of those. He was waking her up more than showing his true feelings. He believed his love for her would help her understand how to return to the real world.

_Of course, Bev also punched him square in the face._

"You bitch!" He laughed, full of snorts and miniature giggles, "You couldn't broke my glasses!" He fell to his knees and scooted to sit next to her, fidgting with his fingers as he relaxed them on her knees that were pressed into his chest.

"Good, don't fucking kiss me." Bev's legs stuck outwards, and she ran a finger up and down her bare leg.

"Sorry, forgot your lips was reserved for Benjamin Hanscom." Richie gave her smirk, which made her want to punch him again.

Her face reddened as she looked away with an eye roll, "Whatever.." she muttered, which made Richie laugh again. His stupid choking on a corn dog laugh. It was magically to hear it again, this time within reality. She smiled weakly, now playing with her sleeves.

"You really like him?" Beverly looked at him, sodmenly.

Richie's eyes widened, then the darted from his black conserve to her bright, blue eyes. He gasped out. or maybe sighed, "Yeah.."

Bev nodded over and over again, like she was the most agreeable person in the world. She looked left and right, making sure no one could overhear them.

"You should tell him." She said simply like it was the easiest thing in the world.

"What? No! He'll literally scream at me.."

"No way, he's too good in a mood. If you asked him like.. when he's neutral than maybe. But not once did he get riled up by your germs when you shared a popsicle." She grinned, nudging his shoulder, "Just try, try here though. If he kills you, no one will find the body. Don't want your dear Eds to be a criminal, do you?"

"Who cares, I'd be dead. What is this? Death do we part?

"C'est la vie!" Bev laughed maliciously, but Richie just sat there blank face with a smile fading into a gaped mouth.

"What the fuck did you just say?"

Bev shook her head, flicking his forehead, "Shut up, dum dum! Just do it or I'll do it for you."

"No way! He'll reject me through you, which is worse than him looking at me."

Bev sighed dramatically and got up, she pointed at him ("Stay, dog." Bev had ordered to which was replied with a, "Okay, kinky.") and she left to grab Eddie. She knew this was a bold move and there was a chance that he would get rejected. But Stan thought Bill was straight for the longest time, looking at them now was a different story. They weren't full on like making out, but regardless of who they were - no one would want to see that. But they huddled up to each other, tossing grapes into each other's mouths and laughing together in unison. But perhaps this wasn't a fair comparison. Eddie lived life like each stop was had a tow lane instead of an open exit. His mother was to blame, but habits are hard to kick and no matter what he will remember his past. A harsh side of her believes he would reject him, leave him out in the rain with no comfort or remorse. But that's not Eddie. Eddie was brave. He always had been brave, but no one saw it but them. They saw him saw him enter Neibolt without his fanny pack. Saw him high kick a killer clown. Saw him throw rocks directly at Henry's face. Maybe tonight he will be brave.

When she gets there, he's smiling and laughing with Mike. They seem to be teasing Stan and Bill a little. A good sign, he's in a good mood. She also noticed Ben was gone. She ignores that. She pokes Eddie in the shoulder, pointing towards the tree she came from. He gave her a questioned look but when saw Bev mouthed, "Richie." He got up, waved goodbye to Mike, and hurried to the tree.

"What was that about?" Mike asked, looking up at Bev. A sweetness lurks in his eyes, like you could say the darkest thoughts and he'll turn them light.

"I have no idea." She laughed, taking Eddie's place for now. They will be gone for a while, she thinks. She smiles, hopeful.

The chatter between all four of them began to rise, as they snatch bites from each other's hotdogs and licks from each other's rocket pops. Jokes and laughter just began to bubble out of them. The Losers gave her that feeling, a warm bubble with only them allowed access. Mike with his sweetness, Ben with his kindness, Eddie with his bravery, Richie with his humor, Stan with his gentleness, and Bill with his understandance. Then there was Beverly. _With her strength._

Slowly, Ben came back with a bag. Like the one Richie had, but the bag was fresh and the logo was apparent. He looked Bev up and down, the boys stared at him with excitement. But she didn't see it at all.

Ben smiled weakly, reaching his hand out, "Bev.. uhm.. wanna- uhm, show you something.."

The boys flashed goofy smiles and thumbs up when she nods and gets up. She follows him across the park, curious as to what he was planning. She saw a jeep parked nearby, she locked eyes with him again. Was this planned for her?

"S-sorry, it's my parents', so it isn't the nicest.." But Bev didn't care about that, she was more worried about the stiffness of it all. 

They ended up sitting in the front of the car, unsure of what to say.

"So, uhm.. what's this for?" She laughed, humorlessly.

Ben sighed, reaching over to grab the bag. It smelt of freshly picked apples, and her eyes widened. Slowly, he placed the bag on the arm of his chair, he unwrapped the strands on top. He went as slow as possible praying that he doesn't mess this up. He opened the bag and lifted up an object from within it. An apple pie with a heart written in whipped cream. When realization struck, her face went red as her pupils dilated. 

"It doesn't have to mean anything!" Ben said quickly, "I just.. I just really lik-" Before he could even finish, Bev leaned in. Ben relaxed, tugging on the cloth of her sweater as she wrapped her arms around his neck. The kiss was more of a sweet peck on the lips, than the intense kisses she had seen on TV or in movies. But she felt her heart racing as if she was running towards something. 

_(january embers)_

She pulled back a tad bit too soon. Her eyes closed for a moment, trying to reimagine kissing him again. But when her eyelids lifted, she saw nothing more than a lover. She smiled, the corners of her mouth lifted so her dimples were faintly showing. Unlike Ben, who was fully red and grinning like a dork. 

"I-I guess, you do want it to mean something.." 

_(my heart burns there too)_

She laughed with her nose crackling, and when he laughed it sounded so beautiful like it was a sympathy but one written for the two of them only. They agreed on finishing the pie in the likeness of the car, Ben turned on the radio as they ate. 

_"I'd just allow a fragment of your life,_

They talked and talked, for a moment she forgot about the fire works. About Fourth Of July. About the visions. About everything.

_Except Ben._

_to wander free"_

It was perfect, until they realized they were moments from missing the fireworks. 

It was a race to put everything back together, to locking Ben's car because he almost forgot his keys, to heading back to their friends, to showing that "yes, we did get together" without being so Stan and Bill about it. Thankfully, it didn't matter. Ben and Bev were walking to their spot, hand in hand. And when they sat down, the Losers merely grinned. Except Richie and Eddie. They were throwing grapes in each other's mouths. But they would smile too.

_(because they knew)_

"You two love birds made it before the fireworks started!" Mike announced, grabbing the attention of Eddie and Richie.

"Wouldn't miss it for the world!" Ben had said, nuzzling his face in her neck was enough to get Richie to tease.

Richie laughed, "Wow! Benny didn't think you were being serious. Glad you were, you two were cuter than Bill and Bev. Don't know what vision me was thinking."

Bill spun his head around so fast, he cracked the joints in his bones. Bev turned back and mouthed a, "Beep beep!" at him, which only made him laugh harder. But the mood was light, everything seemed close to perfect. Close because let's be honest, the Losers club is far from perfect on the scale of norms. Although they are the Losers, however, not once had any of them admit to feeling like one since joining the group. Because they saw each other as equals. 

Because in the end, they are Losers.

_(always will be)_

Suddenly the crowd got louder.The fireworks bursted in the air, filling the sky with an array of sound. People cheered and were in awe of it all. The Losers would take a few photos of the sparks and even a few with them in it, for the scrapbooks! At some point, Ben and Bev kissed in one photo. But that was a secret one for them to share amongst each other. As the crowd continued their excitement, Bev had a strange feeling in her stomach. Ben noticed her tension and reached over to cup his hand over hers. And suddenly the air began to smell of ocean breeze and cigarettes.


End file.
